Butt Pirates of The Gulf of Mexico -Plug The Damn Hole Ye Bastards!


(This article was originally written for the federalobserver on June 18, 2010.)

Within this awful volume lies the Mystery of Mysteries; oh happiest they of the Human race to whom our God has given Grace; to hear, to read, to fear, to pray; He lifts the Veil – Behold The Way! But better had they not been born; who reads to doubt, or read to scorn…

Mearr, me hearties. Gather ye round, for this here’s another tale worthy of skin and bones that dance in the Freemason-controlled moonlight. Alas. Today is another day to add more quilled apples of gold from your wordsmith with hope that some poor mate whether he be aboard or floating in a dingy somewhere off in the Gulf of Mexico would grab the floating oil-soaked bottle with this message contained therein and “consume it” becoming aware that this ship is in dire straits. Perhaps this message will make it past the alien bottle-nose sharks from British Petroleum that are following aft with their friends the “Post-it Ghosts” that have trained them to swallow any messages whole that escape the Captains (Queens) scrutiny.

To whomever this message makes it:
My tale begins with “Plug the damn hole ye bastards!” in the year of our Lord 2010 – day 505 of my captivity and this morning I have ventured back into my cabin to scribble my latest adventures of the USS America and her Socialist one-way voyage to insanity via the La Brea Tar Pits – Gulf Of Mexico style. Wave after socialist wave collides upon our decks and impending financial doom looms on the horizon as Oil barons bicker back and forth hacking on the dry bones of society furthering our decay.


I sit here tonight by flickering candlelight quilling this next adventure on a parchment that just dried a few days back. It seems that Mr. Christian is quite upset at my twisted humor that somehow ended up nailed to his door below deck last week. It would seem that Mr. Christian and his congregation should rescind their 501c3 agreement and quit nit picking on me lest my anger get the best of me. He uses the word “Social” way too much and I fear that this man and his lot might be closet socialists.

My Parrot Polly who checks my spelling from time to time does not consume crackers Mr. Christian. She consumes Pizza, Steak, and Lobster – an expensive wretch, and from time to time she whets her beak from my Rum bottle on occasion – not to excess, lest she fall from her perch at night. So lighten up man!

Aye. So how many times is Mr. Whipple going to “Squeeze the Charmin” before the Captain gets the idea that Refuse Paper needs to be banned in order for the USS America to save a few trees? All it takes is a constipated Congress and a President that cant keep his Pie-hole shut and before you know it we all will be standing at the Latrine wondering what to do with those three Sea Shells they gave US to use. Damn things will probably have “BP” stamped on them.

“Cover your ears Mr. Christian!” (In this case, it might be your eyes.)

Butt Pirates. They’re all Butt Pirates after our financial posterior!

Plug the damn hole ye bastards
The blasted Captain just sits on (is) ass and diddles the testicles wondering what to do with it all. I have this feeling that this event was planned and the Captain is playing “Yankee On My Doodle Dandy” with the idiots in the Crows Nest that attain the title of “News Media.” They pull my mind to the left, and then to the right – all day long, and their bickering bullcrap is beginning to anger the lot of US.

As far as I see it. We have two Wenches (Hoes) to plug. No, this is not a low-budget horror-movie set; this is just the magnitude of problems that are set before US that WE have to deal with so lets get this flogging started shall we?

First WE find a Plastic Pacifier (Made in China) and shove the damn thing into the Captains mouth – then WE throw him overboard with NO provisions and give him a broken paddle to wade his way back to Iraq with. Next WE take over BP’s operations, plug the hole with Captain Barack’s Baby Diapers, and then attach a contraption where we can acquire the oil safely before another madman in office decides to nuke the area and cause a worst disaster – God forbid if a Hurricane arrives before we get done. After that’s done we steal BP’s wallet – throw the “Wampum Wampum” overboard and rename the Oil rig Company to:

POBWPOOPiss Off Britain We Pump Our Own.

Most of the mates aboard this ship are weak enough to find pleasure in socialistic blunder with its fantastic frivolities and bloated titles of stupidity. As for the rest of US, our virtuous minds cannot delight in secrecy of the global autocracy. Our joy is in communion with honest minds and upright methods that bring blessing to each other as we respect the proper uniting of ourselves in charity and respect – something that the Captain should learn but he has rend hitherto the impossibility of sympathies from US who know his true roots and motives – truly Masonic indeed.

Several brave men had determined to reveal the secrets of the bombastic hole that spews out thousands of gallons of oil a minute; and as they could not be prevented otherwise, their lives were taken, in conformity with a secret maritime law which shall not be revealed by the Captain. Having gone thus far, in transgression, the titular dignitaries of government had less reluctance in going further by placing a gag order on those who would shout from the rooftops. Accordingly, by banter, ridicule, and misrepresentation, they endeavored to repress all inquiry into BP’s conduct. Finding themselves not wholly
successful in this, they prepared, as well as they could, for the exigencies of that judicial investigation in Washington, which they were not able to avoid.

We live in an age of singular self-interest that hoards its own profit, and with it appear the depositories of immeasurable responsibilities, which our Captain has clearly showed that he is most incompetent – even when it comes to plugging his hole. Our forefathers voluntarily left their native spaces – broke up the strong and amiable ties of King George’s association and plunder – tore themselves from all their kindred, in spite of the absorbing and ingrained affections of consanguinity, and planted themselves, in the most secluded and dangerous wastes of nature that future tidings would bring more challenges to mankind than ever imagined. All the privations and sufferings of this course, they heroically met and endured, to preserve the rights of the people. In these are to be found all the springs of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – but to no avail, the Masonic wickedness that was deeply implanted into our roots took shape and made legal plunder out of US within.

The blithering babblings of the Captains porthole continues to pound against the Tea Parties across the upper decks. They cry out and tell me that WE need two pacifiers. A conciliator would concur – aye because the Captain speaks from both ends – rather the posterior (Ass) end speaks more these days with miniature Hitler’s that crawl the decks nightly with one excuse after another as to why the Captain is derelict in his duties.

Between clandestine handshakes the jackanapes in charge have come to agreement that King George can cipher the last drops of profit form the USS America before they pull the plug and the interior markets crash.

What manner of pansy men we have become.

BP has certainly taken center stage. By asserting them and preserving them with unparalleled and profitable fortitude, King George will provide a way of escape for the Captain and part of his crew when this ship finally goes under. The rest will be silenced and forever buried in Davy Jones’ Locker – at least that’s what they hope. My bet is that God above will soon place his foot betwixt the plans and cause many of the global Communitarians to fall on their faces – giving themselves away so that others may awaken to their wicked plans.

These are the great truths, taught by our early history and from the mistakes of other countries that failed to heed the warning; and profoundly impressed upon the minds of some citizens that have awakened from their slumber, they cannot be eradicated or threatened by socialistic Masonic stupidity. For this lesson shall be taught from family to family until it circles the earth. One of the important inferences from them is, that individuals are not the property of government, but the government is the property of individuals, who have a God given right to modify, change, or abolish it forevermore. The great object of this legislation among us is to secure our rights, and promote the improvement of the people while making sure our government shrinks instead of growing into a tyrannical monster from the deep.

The systematic robbery of productive individuals aboard this ship by parasitic bankers and lawyers is not a recent phenomenon. For the Spirit of our liberty applies to legislative and executive functions of government; it also applies, in various degrees, to those of our courts of justice, which are now grossly perverted from its original intent by the unlawful tactics of setting precedence. The judicial process is perhaps the most astounding piece of sleight of hand that was ever invented by those behind the scenes and the controlling force seems to point to the total destruction of the USS America since our first voyage.

Our freedoms are derived directly from the Most High – Jesus Christ. They have been in our possession, from the commencement of the history of mankind, and sometimes defended by the shedding of blood, they consist in the just exercise of the rights reserved by the people to themselves, as the great constituents, supervising proprietors of our blessed Republic in which we stand forever indefeasible in the quest for liberty and justice for all. Whither our candle burns brightly at tyrants and blinds their eyes or shines the way of truth to the lost, the just shall live by faith and Christ shall make US stand no matter the outcome. For we shall know the truth, and its that truth that shall make US free. Among such men, there are many like US aboard this ship, who have long possessed the knowledge of truth, and who still possess, our high esteem; and to whom we are attached, by bonds most inseparable that give testimony to a lost world that hope still exists.

May God save the Republic – Death to the New World Order!
“Cover your eyes again Mr. Christian! Wallstreet is about crap on US again!”

Master And Commander Soundtrack- The Far Side Of Socialism:




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